Becoming
The Finale of Things I Used To Do Again
Back in early May, which mostly feels like a lifetime ago, I had a party to celebrate the publication of Unraveling: Coming Out and Back Together. It was a wonderful afternoon with wonderful people and wonderful conversation.
I invited my guests to come forward and cut pieces of yarn from several large spools.
To place the pieces representing their griefs, sorrows, doubts, fears, and things they are unraveling on an altar I created of items representing my own unraveling.
And then to drop another piece in the garment bag I was gifted to hold my clergy robe (the one that I unraveled thread by thread) representing prayers, wishes, and intentions for their own lives and for the world.
It was a beautiful moment. Many shared how meaningful it was for them to participate. For me it was a reminder that when we share our stories others are inspired and empowered to share their own. And that stories are the fabric of relationships and redemption.
Since that party, Wednesdays at the Well has been a space for sharing about my becoming board. My own version of a bucket list, comprised of things I used to do and wanted to do again.
Each week, as I set out for another adventure, I had an idea in mind of what I would experience and what I would write about it. Not a single week did what I imagine actually happen. Perhaps, because I was open to where the Spirit might lead, I landed where I needed and not simply where I wanted to go. These adventures brought back old memories and forgotten moments. I thought of people, places, and encounters that marked me, that changed me, that shifted my direction. I encountered myself; the me I used to be, the me I am, and the me I hope to become. Through these encounters, I found that there are no three versions of me. There is but one.
Alchemizing my experiences and the very unique and contrasting seasons of my life is the catalyst for my becoming. Becoming is more than a list of activities. It is an intentional process. Deliberate and guided. An unraveling of shame and guilt. Letting go of others’ expectations and the desire for their validation. A commitment to healing and being. Trying with more than an aim to succeed. Forgiving myself and releasing others who have harmed me from the space they hold in my consciousness. Making an inventory of what I like and love, dislike and want to concern myself with no more. Reconnecting with all my senses. Connecting the fibers of my body and spirit that were severed by trauma and that fought against each other in well intentioned attempts to protect me from the frayed hems of living. Giving myself permission to take risks and be spontaneous. Embracing every facet of my queerness.
Becoming became the gift I gave myself after the long road of unraveling. A gift I allowed myself to open and savor every day, in ways that brought unapologetic joy and pleasure and laughter.
Becoming is never complete and neither is unraveling. Yet, this particular spool feels finished. And I enter this next chapter light and free, full of energy and confidence, and with a clearer sense of purpose and calling. With a new list of plans and possibilities, and destinations. And the radiant reminder of the friends and encounters that made these days so transformational.
All those pieces of yarn have been sitting in the basement on a table or hanging from the ceiling in the garment bag. Little by little, piece by piece, I’ve held and examined them. Different colors, sizes, lengths. Holding different stories. Different pasts, patterns, pains, hopes, desires, and dreams. Different and not completely disconnected from my own. I knotted and weaved them together. Making art from symbols of sorrow and struggle that nearly succeeded in destroying my creativity and imagination.
My becoming board began as scribbles on a scrap of paper. It has transformed into a living testimony to the life that rises when we unravel the things that keep us bound and entangled. To the undeniable potential and power of becoming. To the awareness that we are not alone.
Thank you for your presence here and all along the way.
Water-fully and wonder-fully Yours,
Rebecca & 10 Camels
We are so excited for the Unraveling Mid-Atlantic Tour that begins on Saturday. Follow us on Facebook and Instagram to follow along. Float over to 10Camels.com for details on every stop. And if you haven’t already, sign up for our email list to receive the free gift of an Unraveling Guide.
And come back next Wednesday to the Well, for a post card from the coast with a new poem and invitation to explore.